What’s your Sleep Number?

If ever there were an antagonist – it was The Pontificator.  And of course, the protagonist would be me… because in the end, I felt like the hero who saved us all from a toxic person that poisoned our very lives.  He was the perfect villain….someone I was completely passionate about bringing down.  My reasons for labeling him “The Pontificator” were two-fold.  One, the very definition of that word encapsulated his personality SO accurately; it would be an outright SIN not to recognize that.  And two, he’s too dumb to spell it, pronounce it, or otherwise discern its meaning if in fact he had somehow realized that it was his nickname for the two years we worked together.  A private joke is that much more lovely when only the smart people get it.  His caller ID on my phone stated “The Pontificator” when he called, and this Photo Caller ID popped up on the screen to further identify him:

I feel certain that were he a wand-wielding wizard in a Harry Potter book, and could conjure up a Patronus for personal protection; it would prove to materialize as a gorilla.

Dictionary.com defines pontificate thusly; “to speak in a pompous or dogmatic manner.”  Simple enough, but not fully clarified.  We aren’t stopping yet.  Pompous and dogmatic are the kind of words that we hear enough to have a general idea of their meaning – but the actual definitions make this word pontificate really come alive!  (Don’t judge me. I’m a word geek, you know this.) So when you mix in the definitions of dogmatic; “characterized by an authoritative, arrogant assertion of unproved or unprovable principles,” …and pompous; “characterized by excessive self esteem, exaggerated dignity, an ostentatious display of self-importance, overblown, and boastful manner,” …doesn’t your understanding of this man just BLOSSOM? The relevance of the “The” in his nickname is simply mock-respect; as he is obviously keen on title ownership.

When I started working here, The Pontificator was already in a place of authority.  However, from the beginning, I approached him as a peer and not as a subordinate.  Let it be known that I did not ever accept him as my boss.  Curiously enough, he seemed not to be bothered by this.  My long standing relationship with the owner seemed to override his zealous desire to be recognized as “The General Manager of This Corporation!” – as evidenced by his obsessive need to repeat that title to anyone who would stand still long enough for him to blurt it out.  I quickly picked up on his M.O., and made efforts every day to solidly establish myself with him as someone he WOULD NOT push around.  He tried to pull me in a few times, and was expertly sneaky at it- always manipulating the situation to try and make it look like he was trying to do YOU a favor.  But he was so passive-aggressive in his attempts to control everyone and everything, that I became quite skilled at countering those attempts.  He was publicly verbally abusive to all the employees.  He displayed daily examples of patronizing, conniving, sexually inappropriate, condescending, and bullying behavior…even towards customers.  New employees that had any backbone at all came in, and then left again within a matter of weeks because he would fire anyone who didn’t immediately bow to him.  I counted thirteen that he ran off in a short period.  He was incensed that I was resistant to him, and he TRIED to make me look incompetent so that I would be fired too, but I was ever vigilant, and doggedly diligent in fighting off his efforts and often beat him to the punch.  He was so skilled at his tactics that most people did not pick up on what he was REALLY getting at.  This frustrated me.  I could see how nasty he was down deep.  I could imagine and fill in the gaps of the stories he told about himself – and see WHY he chose to reveal the details that he did put out there.  He always had an ulterior motive.  He made no move – be it verbal or non-verbal- without the precise intention of further falsely building himself up in the eyes of others.  What exactly he meant to obtain by working here is beyond me.  I mean, this is a small retail operation.  The very definition of “Small Business”.  Perhaps his ultimate goal was to gain the entire company by somehow overthrowing my boss and “taking over”.

I actually pitied him…but did not feel any sympathy towards him. There he was, a soft 50-something, working as a General Manager for a small business.  There is not a lot about that position to be envied.  Yet he saw it as if he were a Potential Business Tycoon with millions to be gained..but they were just out of his reach.   He carried himself with that militant posture indicative of cockiness and arrogance.  Didn’t turn his neck, but rather his whole body.  Arms held out at a jaunty angle, as if he imagined his muscles were too magnificently huge to lay properly at his sides. (snort)  When he walked, he led with his humungous belly protruding over his belt as if he were proud of it.  He insisted on surrounding himself with meek, submissive people because  they were easier to bend to his will.  I remember a classic memory of his dominating personality when The Pontificator got married for the fourth or fifth time.  As his ‘work family’ – we were encouraged vigorously to attend.  If only for the entertainment value, I went.  Anyone who had been married and divorced that many times obviously has some serious personality issues.  There were less than ten of us from work that went…a pretty solid turnout considering our small numbers…and we filled up an entire pew on the groom’s side.  It was obvious that most people in The Ponitificator’s life – any family or friends he might have had-  had decided long ago that he was a piece of crap, because if it weren’t for his ‘work family’, he would have had only two people on his side of the church.  And that’s not an exaggeration.  Bridges had undoubtedly been burned.  The bride was also 50-ish and had many previous marriages under her belt as well; but at a foot shorter and about two feet wider than him…she was the very picture of ‘Submissive’.  At least there were a lot of people there to support her in this gigantic mistake she was making.  The bride’s side was almost full.  The service itself was very brief, but the preacher stated that there was ONE excerpt from the Bible that The Pontificator asked specifically be read.  We all waited silently.  I knew what was coming.  He started off with, “Wives, submit to your husbands…,”  and I lost it.  I started laughing.  The type of “SERIOUSLY?!” kind of laughter that you try to hold back. It was so ridiculously obvious that THAT passage WOULD be the one he would want read.  He’s too dumb to understand the context surrounding those verses, and only sees it as God telling women to  to “obey” their husbands no matter what…and by golly- Unfortunate Wife #5 is gonna hear it before saying “I Do.”  By the time the preacher got to the end of the short reading, our entire pew was shaking from my silent laughter that quickly became contagious and travelled down the length of the bench. 

I tolerated his behavior as well as I could for the sake of my job and workplace harmony.  When he got heinously out of line, I would point it out to my boss.  I would pass along ONLY those instances that I felt would be grounds for his dismissal.  But it happened so often, that I soon started to sound like a whiner.  The boss got entirely fed up with the whole situation and both of us…quick to dismiss it as ‘drama’.   The Pontificator told him once that it was only due to our ‘brother/sister relationship’ that we squabbled so.  I got REALLY pissed off when he said that…as if to imply that I would want to be lumped into even a fictional sibling relationship with him!  I took it a step further and repeatedly asked the boss if The Pontificator “had something” on him, because otherwise it made no sense that he continued to work here.  He made my skin crawl.  I dreaded coming to work each and every day…but I felt that there HAD to be a reason for all this.  Though it seemed like torture to deal with this horrible man on a daily basis, I felt that God probably was trying to teach me some kind of lesson or something.  I continued to try and make the boss aware of the serpent he had allowed into our midst.  The one he paid very well, but who did VERY little. The one who continued to twist things to make it look like I was just a bitchy nut-job who liked to make things up about him. The boss continued to blow me off, and finally said he wanted the drama to stop or the next one to start it up was going to get fired immediately.  I felt this highly unfair.  I was trying to protect my boss, the business, the other employees, and myself from this man.  He was so repulsive and smarmy that I even searched the internet to make sure he wasn’t a registered sex offender.  I kept quiet for a while, biding my time, and waited for the man to hang himself.  He lied about being at work.  He would sit at home and watch our store cameras over the internet in a sick, voyeuristic manner that not only turned my stomach but also slowed our store internet down to a crawl.  He would call and ask our female employees, “Who is that man you are talking to? He’s been there too long…”, done soley to point out his Big Brother, I’m-Watching-Your-Every-Move status. 

I’ve never claimed to “hate” anyone.  But I hated this man.  And the bitterness, rage, and injustice of the whole situation ate at me.  It made MY life hell as I tried to find the key that would open up my boss’s mind, and finally make him realize what was going on here.  I did all the ‘general manager’ type work, but The Pontificator got paid for it.  I spent a huge amount of time trying to intercept all of his attempts to manipulate me and the other employees, and was in his face regularly about it.  He was a big bloated bully and I HAD to take him down, but I couldn’t figure out how.  I felt like a flustered, soaking wet, mother hen trying to protect her chicks in a rainstorm from the ravenous wolf at the hen house door while the rooster clucked around the farmyard, oblivious to all that was going on.  I hated being in that position. 

After two years of this unnecessary nonsense, The Pontificator finally screwed up enough to get the boss’s attention.  As focused as I was on getting him fired, I cannot now remember what exactly it was that instigated it all.  I do remember that he lied to the boss about something…and it was something that I was 100 percent certain he was lying about, I could prove it, and I did.  Then I caught him lying again when he tried to cover up THAT lie.  And the stars must have been lined up that day because the boss finally listened to me.  And once I started pointing out the stuff that he was doing, and the boss was in the mood to hear it…it just spilled out like lava.  For the next two days, I spent my time toiling with a renewed vigor… going through invoices to prove discrepancies and making a list of all the reasons he should be terminated.  I proudly handed these to my boss on the eve of The Pontificator’s firing.  The monetary loss seemed to get the boss’s attention more than anything, but it didn’t matter to me.  As long as he was getting fired, I was a happy girl.

The next morning, the deed was finished before I even got to work.  Apparently the boss and The Pontificator were to meet for breakfast, but never made it into the restaurant.  The boss was sitting out in his vehicle with the heater running, waiting for The Pontificator to show up.  When he did- he just got into the Hummer and said, “I know what this is about and lets just get it over with. I resign.”  And I have to hand it to my boss, because he said, “Oh no. You don’t get to end this.  You are not in control here.  I have some things to tell you… and you’re going to listen to every bit of it.” 

My Facebook status rarely reflects specific work related experiences…simply because it almost always comes back to bite you.  But that day, December 3, 2009, I was so triumphant that I simply HAD to make note of it.  It read as follows:

(chweko)…feels like dancing. Nay, I feel like skipping! Skipping with jubilant glee… happy skip-to-my-Lou kind of skipping with a big smug grin on my face…Oh happy day!

That was almost exactly a year ago.  Right before Christmas, he got ceremoniously canned.  And rightfully so.  He totally deserved it.  I’ll admit it now… I was a little worried for a few months following said Ceremonious Canning…literally thinking he was crazy enough to try and get some type of retribution or revenge on me.  I mean, just look at the guy’s handwriting!  It screams ‘psychopath’.  (Coincidentally, I saw a documentary on a serial killer a while back. He not only physically LOOKED just like The Pontificator, but his handwritten confession could have been written by him too.  Most alarming.)  I briefly considered borrowing a shotgun from my dad for a while, but decided I was being paranoid.  My boss threatened The Pontificator with legal action and charges of criminal theft if he so much as drove by one of the stores, and told him not to ever contact any of us ever again.  And so far- aside from a few mature crank calls that I know were him, because we finally got Caller ID after he left… he’s technically stayed away.  My stomach lurches when I see a vehicle like his – and I dread the day I DO actually run into him…because in a town this size, I will.  Eventually.

So this dominating Alpha Male is out of my life now.  But I can’t escape entirely; now and then I hear  from other employees…people who have seen him about town and the ridiculous stories he tells about what new, important things he is doing with his time now.  First I heard it was Construction Foreman.  Then it was Insurance Sales.  And later on, that he was the owner of a company that sold and installed granite and stone countertops.  This last one someone saw on Facebook.   He claimed to be the owner of this suspiciously fictitious company.  True to form, he misspelled two words in his company name and didn’t even capitalize it on his profile, so I seriously doubt the business was very legit.  He was fraught with double negatives and poor subject-verb agreement in real life too, though. (He also strongly favored the use of the non-word ‘supposebly’ …with extreme emphasis on the letter “B”, as if he KNEW that it is a word that makes my ears ring and alarm bells go off just because it SOUNDS wrong. )

 The latest sighting of The Pontificator came from a fellow employee.  It was at the mall.  He is now, officially, working at the Sleep Number Bed Store.  After I stopped laughing and wiped the tears out of my eyes at the thought of him trying to make THAT job title-worthy and dreadfully important, I looked at my co-worker and said, “Well, he’s made that bed…now he has to lie in it.”